Friday, October 7, 2005
07:13 p.m.

I guess I got Densha Otoko messed up with another series cuz I just finished watching it and omg I realize why its soooo fucking popular... Integrating the world of the otaku with the business woman is definitely different from your norm. It's based on a true story and I would love to see what the original couple looks like or read the book...
I finally got past the firewall problem with bittorrent due to some researching... as i am behind a router now... turning off a software firewall does jack... since routers have these hardware firewall that block all ports... when i say all port... i mean like every single one... Densha Otoko made me want to join a singles bulletin board out there... perhaps I should find a japanese one... I really really really want to move to japan... argh... anyway... i gonna go peace.

Kathy's Poodle Parlor
Tuesday, October 4, 2005
11:00 p.m.

I've been absorbed into the constant world of media. Last two days, I've been watching jdrama incessantly. Currently watching something that's pretty cheesy called Akimahende! It's cute... but some parts are way too unrealistic.
I've watched so much shit this past weekend... that... I don't remember wth the real world is like anymore... I don't know what it's like to be myself. The only thing I know... is that I want to learn more and more japanese... My mom asked me to go to Japan with her... but... to think about how boring and hellish five days with her in Japan is... I don't know If I can handle it... but I would love to be back in Japan... All I really know is that I want to be in Japan... I think it's good to be obsessed about something though... aneue's gonna kill me but... I think I was a lil jealous at how much attention her gf receives not because of wanting attention from her... but because of how obsessive their writing style is... or at least it seems... yes aneue... i did catch a glimpse of your convo... but... I really couldn't read it for long... because of how cheesy I thought it was... but at the same time I knew... there's really not much more that she could do in a relationship like that... I can't stop being an ass though can I... I realized I was being pretty much of an ass all weekend... it's so weird... even if I like a grrl at all... I just act normal and act like I don't really give a shit about anything... the most recent case I'm referring to is when I saw Gina this weekend... but... I can't really do much there because... Paul... I forget what she calls him... trumped me fivefold... He bought her this floral arrangement and a book of portraits of paintings from her painter Goughin. He must've blown over a hundred bucks easy... actually the weird thing is... I can't really tell if I like her or just like the attention... I think the real problem is that I want a grrl (of course i have no right to be picky) that will give me a decent amount of attention. Watching all this jdrama makes dating seem so easy... but I don't have the guts to even try to ask a grrl out... The sad thing is that I've recently had random grrls flirt with me and I don't do anything... I know though... what I don't want in a relationship just by looking at the people around me though... and things that I don't ever think I could tolerate... Even though I talk shit about my friends like I don't think I could do it so directly if it was my gf. Watching Mitch and Stephanie made me wonder... why people tolerate such abuse. The sad thing is I know why... but... why can't people stand up and separate themselves from these cycles... I've been in the same cycle for over 6 years... Will I ever stop? I wonder... no matter what though... I want to be in Japan... find some way to make use of my fluency in english... whether it be an english teacher or a tour guide... Walking back home from Ace Train... and looking at how dated and ghetto downtown Stockton is... made me realize how much I really am into modern/futuristic culture... I really do hate seeing a lot of 60's and 70's style shit... If I had unlimited resources... and I were to build a house... it would definitely be mostly black granite and marble... My view of the world is really limited right now... and I can't see past the fake world of jdrama... trying to live vicariously through the characters of each one... attempting to feel love in each one... because... I don't know what love feels like anymore... These romances make me want to be in love... as written above these jdramas make love seem so simple to start... maybe i do need to try personals... maybe I need to start socializing again... why is that I'm so scared of being around people... I just feel like I fuck up everytime I'm around other people... I feel totally uncomfortable around everyone... and take to heart negative things people say... and I can't get it off of my mind... sometimes even if I know they're joking... of course they could never tell... because... I would never let them... I am really fucking weak on the inside... and all I think about is why I react the way I do in everyway life... and it keeps reminding me of how I grew up and the more I realize stupid little things... affected me... the more I realize... I shouldn't be living the way I am... The funny thing is.. that... watching Akimahende! I remembered... that my mom disowned me several times when I was growing up... which really isn't a part of american culture... but is a major part of asian culture... it's just weird to think that you would really ownly disown your kid if you were asian... I'm not saying it doesn't happen in american society... it's just more of a thing of asian society... It's weird how vivid my memory is too... not only do I remember a lot of things in the past clearly and have flashbacks sometimes... but.... I can remember entire nights or incidences... like raves... etc... but more so if something specific happened that night... the blog does help too... I understand what I was feeling at the time I wrote those entries... The thing is... that... I know... I'm not the good at being around people... and I know I can be a total jackass when I'm around them... sometimes not realizing... sometimes not caring... I know that I'm being too direct most of the time... and when people signal things or are being indirect... most of time I know what they're trying to get at but... sometimes... I avoid the situation... just to try to get them to be direct with me... or just plainly to avoid a situation (not necessarily negative). The worst thing about not working and not being a part of society.. is the separation factor... I completely shut off from everything... even myself I think... my own feelings... I just zombify my brain with media... just bombard to the point... where I don't even think about what life is... I wonder at all those american losers with no jobs and are in my position freeloading out there... since they are a lot different from me in one sense... in that I discern a lot of media that I allow to affect me... I mean I wonder if they just let themselves get bombarded by commericals, watching shit like Judge Judy and Days of Our Lives... and some other random crap... probably Jerry Springer and Montell... omg... I could go on forever... and fucking infomercials... even though they're broke they can afford that 100 dollar bottle penis pills they saw on tv... just so they have a little more to tug on when they're jacking off to the Real World or something... I wonder what I've lost from drugs... the one thing I did gain was... an ability to understand more people... it may sound weird... but if you think about for a while I think you'll understand too... enough depressing shit... go to sleep everyone... goodnight.

Fav. Movies:
Human Traffic, Amores Perros
Fav. Anime:
Outlaw Star
Fav. Music:
Dream Goal:
D.j. for a living

aol s/n:

Satellite Records
Ministry of Sound
Hooj Choons
Discography #1 Discography #2
Good Fucking Trance Radio

This foxy lady is from the anime/manga series Tenjou Tenge by the mangaka Oh! Great. No really, that's what it says. <_< Anyways, her name is Natsume Maya and I think she's damn hawt but aniki says he's not her type...but he's not making the layout so nyeh~. =P She's an excellent martial artist though she chooses to take on a child-like appearance at times to maintain her ki. Either way, she kicks ass and even tho she's extremely hetero, I still like her and she's probably the reason I kept watching the series. This design is also by aneue. Sorry for those not on 1024x768 or higher, I'm still trying to get used to CSS and need all the space I can get to practice. <_<;

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